She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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