You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
