thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
