She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
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well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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