Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
