My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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