When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
