I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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