So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
