She is in my trunk
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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