she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
