I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
