Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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