yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
