I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
