I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
