you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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