I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
