ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
