Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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