Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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