dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
