Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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