Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
