Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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