In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
