I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
wanna go halves on a baby?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
what day is it and did you see me today?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
