It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
