OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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