$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
