Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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