i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Man, jail baloney is awful.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
