dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Couch. On fire.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
