My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He felt like a one man threesome
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Randomize
