Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
