I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
