It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
