ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
