He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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