I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
