You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
