some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
my being single is dangerous.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
