Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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