My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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