It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
