I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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