New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
