I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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