and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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