I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
