I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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