how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
