I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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