Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
