hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
