I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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